Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

Dear Amy,

I was in Paris recently to film Canadian author Mavis Gallant. She was a super nice lady, and after the filming she gave me a book of her short stories. She also inscribed it for me. Back here at home, I have had to sell this book at my local second-hand booksellers in order to buy a pack of cigarettes. Should I buy the book back, or should I continue selling possessions to feed my nicotine habit? I am six feet tall.

Paul Kincaid Jamieson
Vancouver, British Columbia

Dear Paul,

If you had been any shorter, then yes, I would have said buy the book back. But since you’re six feet, you should be fine. By the way, I’m sending you an inscribed pack of cigarettes. Please don’t trade it for a collection of short stories.

Amy

Dear Amy,

I’ve been single for about a year now, after a long-term relationship fizzled. All of a sudden, I’m starting to get those codependency urges again. So what’s the problem? Simple: I like my independence and the fact that I don’t have to answer to anyone. Especially since I’m a graphic-design major with absolutely no time for a boyfriend. What would you suggest I do to suppress these unwanted feelings without the use of pills or alcohol?

—Looking for an Out Without Slipping In

Dear Slippy,

What’s wrong with pills and alcohol? Are you judging me? It kills the pain. I hate it when people start spewing bullshit like, “You’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later.” Well, not really, because by the time “later” comes, my problem will be over because of the booze and pills. I’m not stupid.

Are you selling any pills?

Amy

Dear Amy,

I recently adopted a pet—an adorable young beagle hound with a face like pudding. I’ve spent the last several weeks trying to potty-train him, which has mostly involved laying old newspapers and magazines on my kitchen floor. I’ve noticed that he has some unusual preferences when it comes to what sorts of paper he will “do his business” on. He has almost completely ignored major periodicals like Vanity Fair and Harper’s, and he won’t go near the New York Times. But he has demonstrated a fond-ness for some of my books. He has already soiled my copies of Finnegans Wake and Tropic of Cancer, and he’s left a “surprise” on my hardcover edition of Kafka’s Amerika. I wonder if he’s trying to tell me something. Is it possible that he’s expressing a discriminating literary sensibility?

Scott Arkin
Chicago, Ilinois

Dear Scott,

Oh my god, Scott Arkin? Is this letter really from you? It’s me, Amy. How are...