Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: COOKING

Dear Amy,

Someone told me once that pasta is done when you can throw it at a wall and it sticks. Considering how thrilling and dangerous this cooking feat is, would you know of any other things that should be thrown at walls?

Jeffrey Robertson Alford
South Hadley, Mass.

Dear Jeffrey,

Try chicken skin on stucco, battered shrimp on the windshield of a moving car, a hot hush puppy on a bald head, or an angry live cat on the back of a sleeping guest. Oh, and you can also try sticking a pin through the rubber end of a dart gun and firing it at a stranger’s back.

Amy

Dear Amy,

My Mexican-American girlfriend cooks tortillas right on the stove. She uses no buffer—no pan, no skillet—nothing between the tortilla and flame. The taste is far superior to the mushy microwave alternative. I just worry about her safety. Is this an acceptable cooking practice?

Rick Stoeckel
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Rick,

Wasn’t this exact question already answered almost two hundred years ago at the battle of the Alamo? Check your history books, Rick! My God, how many Texans have to die just so you can reach a simple culinary understanding with your Mexican-American girlfriend? Mexican-American? Is that right, Rick? Perhaps I’ll have the border guard look into it. Adios, Rick.

Amy

Dear Amy,

They say that the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. More specifically, what do you think is the best meal to serve my man to make sure he’ll never, ever leave me?

Dani Kando-Kaiser
Sacramento,Calif.

Dear Dani,

First of all, I’m a bit of an amateur coroner. Let’s just say I like to poke around.The fastest way to man’s heart is definitely through the chest cavity. Yeah, it’s a bit of a bother sawing through all that bone, but trust me, it’s a straight shot. To answer your question about serving a dish that will keep your man happy, I suggest a honey-baked West Vagina ham, or Turkey Cordon Blow-Him. Or how about Chicken Snatchatori?

Amy

Dear Amy,

I’m a smart person. I get the gist of thermodynamics. But how is it that a pile of scrambled eggs gets cold in two seconds and a cup of French onion soup remains scalding hot for an hour?

Thanks,
Justin Jorgensen
Burbank, Calif.

Dear Justin,

It’s simple. If the conversion of energy in a pile of scrambled eggs, which we will now refer to as internal energy (U), is total kinetic, and the potential field of transference is an isolated system in which the...