Sedaratives: Kristen Schaal

Dear Sedaratives,
Are lighthouses still used for what they were meant to be used for, or are they just the decorative knickknacks of our nation’s coastline?
    Cameren Cousins
    Herndon, Va.

Dear Cameren,
I wish they were as useless as giant, beautiful plastic flamingos covered in reflector tape. Unfortunately, their importance has magnified in these modern times. Apart from warning boats, canoes, and cross-ocean swimmers of impending land, they serve another function: bringing whale crime to light. Whales have taken their cue from the Somali pirates and have begun to rapidly create havoc in our peaceful seas: stealing from ghost pirate ships, tagging reefs, and, more recently, abducting dolphin babies and selling them to infertile manatees. They do their dirty work at night, and the lighthouses have been working overtime, combing the waters with their revealing beams after the alarm has been sounded by whatever sea creature can make the walk on land. Usually tattletale crabs.
    Kristen