Sedaratives: Sarah Silverman

Dear Sedaratives,

I came out to my family as a gay man nearly nine years ago. While they’ve become more accepting of me, they still hold out hope that I’ll meet “the right woman.” I’ve never seen a woman naked, let alone dated one. How can I avoid the “don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it” argument and convince my family that I’m just not into girls?

Nathan Yergler
Fort Wayne, Ind.

Dear Nathan,

First of all, did they not knock homosexuality before they tried it? Exactly. They’re asking you to be open-minded so they don’t have to. You can always lie and say, “Mom, I had sex with a woman and it was awful! Vaginas are gross! I’m glad I tried it but I’m gonna stick with penis. What’s for dinner?” Another idea is to adopt a baby. Once there’s a baby in the picture, they don’t care who you’re fucking. They just want to squeeze that little tushy!

Sarah

Dear Sedaratives,

I think saffron looks so attractive in its tiny plastic cage at the supermarket, but I really have no idea what one might do with it. Any ideas?

Sammy Chafos
New York, N.Y.

Dear Sammy,

I had some saffron rice this very morning, and it looked so yellow and so yummy, but it tasted like a doodie flower. I kept eating it because after each bite, my eyes would glance back at the plate and I’d get seduced all over again. My advice is to enjoy it in the market. Awe in its pure yellow intensity the way you may take in a painting or a gossip rag at the checkout stand. Then walk away.

Sarah

Dear Sedaratives,

My mom always gives me a hard time for having the day off from school on Labor Day. She tells me, “I’m the one who went into labor to have you, and I don’t have the day off!” What would be a good comeback that I could say to her next year?

Jimmy Whealdon
Irvine, Calif.

Dear Jimmy,

Don’t say anything. Just kick her in the vagina. Then as she keels over, point to her vagina and start to laugh, but then freeze, like you’re in the end credits of Bob Newhart or CHiPs or Barney Miller. If she doesn’t “get it,” then she’s not worth your time anyway.

Sarah

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m a happily married man, but lately one of my golfing buddies, Jerome (not his real name), has been acting a bit peculiar around me: holding the door open for me, picking up the bar tab, and looking at me in, well, a way that makes me feel kind...