Sedaratives: Wyatt Cenac

Dear Sedaratives,

Aren’t baby monitors just an invasion of privacy?

Lenny Bamberger
Milwaukee, Wisc.

Dear Lenny,

If you’re a baby, then yes, they are an invasion of privacy. Find a baby-lawyer and sue your parents for everything they’re worth. The damages will probably wind up being equal to your college tuition minus the baby-lawyer’s fee, which means you’ll have to find another way to afford to go to Europe for the summer after graduation.

If you’re not a baby, that’s a creepy question, and perhaps babies should avoid you.

Wyatt

Dear Sedaratives,

Is there really a trick to learning a new language fast? I’ve gotten dozens of emails promising that there is, and I’m starting to believe them, but I’m looking for a second opinion.

Martha Cleveland

Cold Spring Harbor, N.Y.

Dear Martha, Two things:

(1)Do not believe everything you read in emails. Specifically emails offering to teach you tricks, because what you usually learn is that you got tricked, most likely out of your credit-card information. Do not believe emails from Nigerian princes, only Nigerian kings. A prince would have access to wealth only once he became a king. Until then he’s just a rich man’s son. And never believe Evites. That party is not going to be as fun as your friend claims it will be.

(2)The easiest way to learn a new language is by forgetting the language you currently speak. Once you’ve freed up all that storage space in your brain, it will be easy to fill it up with a new language. Just make sure you don’t refill it with the same language you worked so hard to forget.

Wyatt

Dear Sedaratives,

With all the modern advances in blinds and shades, are drapes still necessary?

Tracy Samson
Quebec City, Quebec

Dear Tracy,

If you were sneaking into an office of a well-respected captain of industry to take photos of top-secret plans of some nefarious project with the name of a Greek god, only to be interrupted in the middle of your snooping, do you think you’d be safe hiding behind the shades?

Wyatt

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m starting to suspect I need a new city. Any suggestions?

J. Rancek
Cleveland, Ohio

Dear Miss or Mr. J. Rancek of Cleveland, Ohio,

It sounds like you may be suffering from a case of LeBronchitis. While Cleveland is a lovely city with a rich history, you feel the compulsion to take your somewhat-overrated talents else-where. Some might suggest a warm, tropical destination...