PART I
THE BELIEVER: What’s the last prank you pulled and which prankster do you admire most?
ALISSA NUTTING: Does not showering count as a prank? Last week my four-year-old laughed for days at the idea of a jar of peanut butter wearing underwear, so I let her put a pair of my underwear on the jar. My favorite prankster is probably whoever invented hot dogs.
BLVR: Often you can tell people’s intentions from their work. They want fancy cars, intellectual admiration, co-ed attention, et cetera. But your work is more confusing. What’s your endgame?
AN: Banishment?
PART II
BLVR: Seems like your books are full of “local” politics. Where do you stand on the discussion of privilege?
AN: The only television episode I’ve rewatched in the past month is the third episode of the new season of The Intervention. I think I’ve rewatched it eight times. It follows a man who’s addicted to drinking hand sanitizer. Drinking the generic-brand hand sanitizer gives him worse side effects than the name-brand.
BLVR: What are you shy about?
AN: Dolphins frighten me. If I had to have sex with something nonhuman, I’d have sex with that episode of The Intervention, or with a select episode of Hoarders. For Hoarders I’d need some time to narrow it down. But same general answer for if I had to marry a nonhuman.
PART III
BLVR: Would you rather be a scumbag who’s smart, or a dumb, clean person?
AN: It’s my total hope that I’m a dumb, clean person who just thinks she’s a smart scumbag.
BLVR: What orifice/hole is your favorite?
AN: Taco Bell.
PART IV
BLVR: You ever laugh in your sleep? If so, why?
AN: Nope! Just screams and tears! Instead of sleeping at night, I like to do terrifying Google searches inside a completely dark house.
BLVR: My friend Kristen Schaall has this joke: “I just want a man with a good sense of humor… about his huge dick.” This joke is how I think women feel, in a nutshell. What’s in your nutshell?
AN: Yeah, yeah, I always wanted to meet such a guy and then I did and he made me move to Iowa. So, you know, careful what you wish for. I should write a pornographic version of “The Monkey’s Paw” about it. And re: porn, why don’t the big-dicked guys in porn movies have better attitudes? Why doesn’t Vivid Entertainment shoot a “Well-Endowed Positive Thinkers” compilation? I would pay cash for that. Could some millennials please get on that for me?
