in the holding place that spawned me
amid the pointing and the horror
I was a tadpole trapped in your marsh
walled in by surrounding flames
the tone set with your memory
flame you’ve ignited from breath
my belly slides over algae coated stones
here in the marsh, swampland
muddy womb I spring from
as a tadpole, my feet, not yet formed
tail moves like an unconscious motor
I’ll stick with the horror as long as I’m here
yes I am worthy of death at your hands, mother
your desire to destroy me is real
as I propel my little tail through the fires the shit around me I cannot see but you create and undo with your hands this world, what hell will you bring us now
my sticky eyelids open and I see nothing
this isn’t what you planned
it’s not what I wanted either
I warned you of this and you didn’t listen you never listen
my little white legs step out of the tub as I reach for the towel
I was that monster lying on the couch behind you
no it was your father eating an apple there
my father he was lying across the couch holding an apple, bringing it to his mouth, taking a bite and staring at us while crunching apple bits between his teeth, menacing father teeth
and you, you were in front of him
he was on the couch and you were lying down there, I watched you, I watched you lay yourself down, down on the ground before him
but it wasn’t my father, it was an older male poet, he had warm eyes and a gentle touch,
he was a quiet beast
under what conditions would you demand a stable subject
to emerge out of the swamp, slimy and terrible
to look upon you with its beady eyes
and say yes, what I am about to tell you is real. I am a subject. stable. someone you can trust. you will hear me and you will bring up the flames. you will ignite the wall of flame and you will see yourself as a stable subject. you will dissolve the subject and take it into your mouth, grinding it down with your teeth.

I was at the carnival, standing alone behind the ferris wheel, waiting for you to arrive. you knew what I wanted to do when you got there. you would be wet and ready for me. but you were never going to come because in that moment you were drowning in the lake. if it was me who threw you in I am very sorry. I cannot have you existing away from me that’s all. do...