Undecided voter Paula Flowers is at her wit’s end!
She thinks both presidential candidates are excel-
lent and can’t decide which one to give her vote to!
Quick, someone change the water in Lyndon
LaRouche’s isolation tank. I’ll alert the CEO of the
Cheesecake Factory. You, boy, cable the Swiss media.
I have a feeling it’s “go time” for Lyndon! Ashley Anton
Wilson, the resident conspiracy nut at Vanderbilt’s Tri-
Delt house, has been pushing the limits of sisterhood
recently with dramatic rumors about CIA satellites that
can see every zit, every pore, on your face! David Allan
Coe drove by Bobby’s Idle Hour the other night in a
Stutz Bearcat, out promoting his new song, “Is It
Alright to Hate New York Again?” The portly buckeye
was seen sitting in the rumble seat waving a State U.
pennant and wearing a racoon coat etc. “It’s my new
thing,” Coe said. “I decided to go back to school, way
back… to the 1920s! I’m a college boy now!” Chug-a-
lug: Don’t look now but according to the Jewish Brew-
ers Association’s new awareness campaign “Jews Drink
Their Beer in Steins”! Lord, if I die, please don’t let hell
be anything like Spartanburg, SC! Anyone else think
the Maryland flag is a little on the loud side? Negotia-
tions with the dead over masturbation-viewing rights
are still bogged down with neither side willing to
return to the seance table! Faces and Places: Which
Nahville music executive came home early from work
Tuesday and found his Swedish bride praying to Thor?
Which Belle Meade ice skater trained all summer in a
shopping-mall rink with a tree in its center and now
has a “hole” in her program? Whose massive stepmoth-
er, after aggressive financial maneuvering during the
late 70s, was able to embezzle the proceeds from a ben-
efit for paralyzed slamdancers and channel the dough
into a fund for the construction of a Bear Bryant stat-
ue down in Nicaragua? Lo and behold: Fairfax Avenue
neighbor Dick Snow remembers when Oklahoma was
just a field. A huge Oklahoma-shaped field that is! “I
don’t trust young men who drink diet soda,” he adds.
Cape Cod police have confirmed that the Province-
town Hitler Moustache Taffy Strangler is NOT author
Dean Koontz. Orange O-lert: Hey Sunshine Staters.
Make way for the world’s first Jewish Hurricane, Hur-
ricane Irving! And don’t forget to smear lamb’s blood
on the front door before landfall! Word Up: A friend in
Alabama advises wearing sweatpants the next time I’m
headed down to the Mouse’s Ear for one of those five-
dollar lap dances! According to a new study, no one eats
hamburgers like young, cynical, adult males! I am not a
fan of dreamcatchers! The word “cicada” was recently
retired and put into the deep freeze at the Memphis
Language Center. Condolences to all SEC poets!
Squirrel Bait Reunion: rock and roll stickup or sartori-
al cabal? Say fellas, you can make it look like you’ve
been impaled by a carrot simply by painting your cock
orange and sticking a bulb of chives in your ass! Let me
put it to you this way: Nirvana is to Bush as Reagan is
to Bush! Q: What kind of person speaks Spanish, has an
Italian last name, wants to be British, acts French, and
looks German? A: an Argentinian person! Hemispheri-
cally speaking, the ball has been in South America’s
court for so long, the line judge has been relieved by an
immortal! Heads Up: Nahville Jerky Boys fanclub pres-
ident, Possible Ron, warns parents: Don’t let your
hemophiliac child play the accordion or massive inter-
nal bleeding may result.Why is he called Possible Ron?
Well, we don’t know what his name really is, but think
it might be Ron! Hey Ron, thanks for the stack of Key-
board Player magazines? Unfortunately I’d rather get in
a jacuzzi with a couple of lepers than leaf through
them! Parting Shot: Oscar Knight, author of Thunder:A
Crisis in Animal Psychiatry, writes to warn my readers
that too much faith is being placed in the hands of
those who would keep us shopping above all else.
Sounds like a non-transferable realization to me. Sorry
Oscar, but you are NOT the father, you are NOT the
son, and I’m very goddamn sure, sir, that you are not
the holy ghost.