Sedaratives: Bob Odenkrik

Dear Sedaratives,  

I have romantic intentions toward an incredibly hot boy who lives in my dorm, but my friends tell me not to bother, because he’s out of my league. How do they know that? Isn’t beauty subjective?

Thanks,

Pretty Confident in Her Own Attractiveness
Portland, Ore.

Dear PCIHOA,

Your acronym-name is worthless. Do better on that next time. I’m very tired. Got the kids off to school this morning, forgot to put water, vegetable, or sandwich in son’s lunch bag, just filled it with napkins. Have you seen Larry King lately? He’s thinner, bonier, and hotter than ever. What’s with the Olympic torch? It’s silly. The Olympics are silly. Clowns, too. Have you ever eaten pie? Do. You’ll thank me. Does that answer your question? No? I say ask the guy out. Beauty is subjective and he sounds like a great guy to me, the kind who might enjoy a pinch-faced, ­watery-eyed, drooling boob such as yourself. Hope that helps.

Best,

Bob

Dear Sedaratives,

What’s the proper way to refrigerate venison? I’ve tried storing the carcass in my basement freezer, but it always ends up with a gamey taste. What am I doing wrong?

Too Much Deer Meat

Suttons Bay, Mich.

Dear TMDM,

Your acronym-name is slightly better. Kinda sounds like a noise Bobby McFerrin would make. What happened to Bobby ­McFerrin? He’s probably in Florida, huh? Guns are good in the right hands—nobody’s. What’s on Larry King’s mind these days? Anything facile and trite? When will RATT reunite? Where? I want the exact time and address because I don’t want to be within fifty miles of that ground zero. Fewer carbs, more proteins is yesterday’s news. Have you ever asked someone you don’t know how to refrigerate venison? Don’t. It’s a waste of time. As to your question: Don’t. Eat venison raw, as soon as you have it, right on the spot. To get the gamey taste out of your basement freezer, use handi-wipes and gasoline.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Sedaratives,

My next-door neighbor has several enormous stacks of old newspapers littering his front yard and a huge pile of discarded magazines spilling out of his trash can. How can I persuade him to actually recycle these old papers and not just stuff them in the trash?

Regards,

Lori
Berkeley, Calif.

Dear LORI,

Now that’s an acronym-name I can get behind! Very clever of you to write to me about your “neighbor.” Ha ha. What, did you think you would publicly humiliate me? Ain’t gonna happen, dearie. For your little trick, here’s what you get: I’m going to start throwing my diapers in the yard, too. After I poo in them, not before....