Dear Sedaratives:
I decided to enroll in the Navy, but I’m a little annoyed with how my dad keeps referring to it as “the family business.” How can I serve my country and yet not follow in the footsteps of my asshole career military father?
P. Campball
Amarillo, TX
Dear P:
May I call you “P”? You can call me “B.” It’s hard to live up to your a-hole father’s expectations sometimes. He doesn’t read this column, does he? There are many ways to serve your country. I know a girl who served her country. She slept with thousands of service-men.I can hear rim shots as I type this. You’ve got to follow your gut. If you have a large stomach, you can definitely follow your gut ’cause it sticks out ahead of the rest of you when you enter a room. I swear, I’m hearing rim shots as I type this. Maybe your Dad’s not an a-hole. Maybe he loves you and his country very much. I say that sincerely, in case he’s going to read this. And he has firearms. Be safe in the Navy and when you come home your dad will probably be crazy proud of you. Don’t let guys touch you on the poop deck. God in heaven, make these rim shots stop!!
Bob
Dear Sedaratives:
I’m pretty sure my husband is cheating on me. Do I confront him about it, or just have my own extramarital fun? Two can play at this game, right?
Ready For Some Adultery
Huntington Beach, CA
Dear “Ready”:
May I call you “Ready”? I’m just kidding. I’d need to see a jpeg of you first. Yeah, it’s tough. A lot of people cheat, probably more men than women. I don’t think you should do to him what was done to you. I’d try to figure out if you love him enough to work on it and get as honest as you guys can with each other—counseling, non-angry open talks—and see if you need to leave him. Relationships are tough. If there are kids involved, it gets trickier. What I meant to say was… bang his brother and his best friend and his boss, and show the tape at his next business meeting. Then start a website with the footage. It’ll be the “second chapter” you’ve been dreaming of. Then stow-away on a Navy ship and please give the guy in the last letter some decent sex. He’s got some real daddy issues.
Bob
Dear Sedaratives:
Is Michael Jackson really dead? I mean, he was once married to Lisa Marie Presley, right? And her dad, Elvis, faked his “heart attack” and is currently living in Kalamazoo, Michigan. So it’s not illogical to assume that Jacko is just having us on. What do you think?
M. Cox
Cincinnati, OH
Dear M. Cox:
I’m answering this? God forgive me. I just had a colonoscopy, and they gave me Propofol to put me under. The last thing I said to the anesthesiologist before I went out was, “This is it.” But to answer your question which was obviously an attempt at yet another gallows humor attempt about Michael Jackson… No, it wasn’t an Andy Kaufman bit. Andy is sadly gone, and Michael is sadly gone, and it’s, well… sad. However, after I got the dose of Propofol, I have scheduled myself for five more colonoscopies this month. Propofol and a colonoscopy, it’s a win-win.
Bob
Dear Sedaratives:
I really want to be a good Catholic, but sometimes the whole religion thing feels like believing in Santa. It’s a comforting myth, but still just a myth. Can you help me believe again? Borderline agnostic in Chicago Dear Borderline: I can help you believe again. Sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christ- mas. Your gift is in my red sack. Wait, are you a man or a woman? Oh screw it, it’s late when I’m writing this. So to maybe answer your question… I believe in the “Power of the Myth,” per Joseph Campbell, and I also believe that life is fairly short. So if the myth is comforting, for me, it’s fine. And over the holidays, women of all de- nominations told me what they wished for while they were sitting on my lap. You noticing a unifying theme to these answers yet?
Borderline Agnostic in Chicago
Dear Borderline:
I can help you believe again. Sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas. Your gift is in my red sack. Wait, are you a man or a woman? I believe in the “Power of Myth,” per Joseph Campbell, and I also believe that life is fairly short. So if the myth is comforting, for me, it’s fine. And over the holidays, women of all denominations told me what they wished for while they were sitting on my lap. You noticing a unifying theme to these answers yet?
Bob
Dear Sedaratives:
A guy I’ve been dating for the past month told me he wants to be “friends with benefits.” What does this mean? What should I tell him?
Too Friendly For My Own Good
Phoenix, AZ
Dear Too:
Tell him that’s cool with you. By “benefits”, he means he’d most likely like to make monthly deposits into your bank account. By “friends” it means you’ll accept those checks. But no matter what you do, do not ever have sex with him again. Unless you are in the same place as he is. In which case, just watch Oprah tomorrow. Odds are, she’ll answer all your questions.
Bob
Dear Sedaratives:
My son is getting harassed by bullies at school and I’m not sure how to help him. I’m looking for advice that’s somewhere between “turn the other cheek” and “kick ’em hard in the balls”. Thanks in advance.
Robyn
Charleston, S.C.
Dear Robyn:
I have actually been through this. I went to school in Norfolk, Virginia, and in sixth grade, a kid harassed me with anti-Semitic comments all year. Being self-loathing, I welcomed them for a while, but eventually couldn’t take it anymore. We scheduled a “fight” in the schoolyard after school. He kicked me in the balls and my nose started to bleed. When I got home, my dad tried to console me, telling me that balls-to-nose is just “one long muscle.” I asked my dad, “If that’s true, if I push on my nose, would it extend my penis, and would I be happier the rest of my life?” I hate violence, but I also hate abuse, so if your kid could handle it, it’d be cool if he stood up for himself. But in any case, please do not take this answer seriously, ’cause I don’t know the real dynamic. But I’d love to see him stand up to those bullies and kick them all in the balls. I never said that, BYW. Turning the other cheek is good too, but a bully is a bully and sometimes a guy just needs to stand up for himself. It’s tough to be caught between a cheek and balls. I believe it’s called “the taint.”
My apologies for all of these answers.
Bob
