Sedaratives: Bob Saget

Dear Sedaratives:

I decided to enroll in the Navy, but I’m a little annoyed with how my dad keeps referring to it as “the family business.” How can I serve my country and yet not follow in the footsteps of my asshole career military father?

P. Campball
Amarillo, TX

Dear P:

May I call you “P”? You can call me “B.” It’s hard to live up to your a-hole father’s expectations sometimes. He doesn’t read this column, does he? There are many ways to serve your country. I know a girl who served her country. She slept with thousands of service-men.I can hear rim shots as I type this. You’ve got to follow your gut. If you have a large stomach, you can definitely follow your gut ’cause it sticks out ahead of the rest of you when you enter a room. I swear, I’m hearing rim shots as I type this. Maybe your Dad’s not an a-hole. Maybe he loves you and his country very much. I say that sincerely, in case he’s going to read this. And he has firearms. Be safe in the Navy and when you come home your dad will probably be crazy proud of you. Don’t let guys touch you on the poop deck. God in heaven, make these rim shots stop!!

Bob

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m pretty sure my husband is cheating on me. Do I confront him about it, or just have my own extramarital fun? Two can play at this game, right?

Ready For Some Adultery
Huntington Beach, CA

Dear “Ready”:

May I call you “Ready”? I’m just kidding. I’d need to see a jpeg of you first. Yeah, it’s tough. A lot of people cheat, probably more men than women. I don’t think you should do to him what was done to you. I’d try to figure out if you love him enough to work on it and get as honest as you guys can with each other—counseling, non-angry open talks—and see if you need to leave him. Relationships are tough. If there are kids involved, it gets trickier. What I meant to say was… bang his brother and his best friend and his boss, and show the tape at his next business meeting. Then start a website with the footage. It’ll be the “second chapter” you’ve been dreaming of. Then stow-away on a Navy ship and please give the guy in the last letter some decent sex. He’s got some real daddy issues.

Bob

Dear Sedaratives:

Is Michael Jackson really dead? I mean, he was once married to Lisa Marie Presley, right? And her dad, Elvis, faked his “heart attack” and is currently living...