Sedaratives: Brendon Small

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m a full-time carpenter. Is there any chance I might be the messiah?

Blake H.
Tuscaloosa, Ala.

Dear Blake,

I’ve said this a hundred times, just because you’re a smug carpenter who pontificates doesn’t make you the messiah. But then again, you might be.There’s only one way to find out: Perform a miracle. Walk on air. Take a running jump off a very high building and walk in place. Write me and let me know what happens. Either way, there is no God.

Brendon

Dear Jenny:

Maybe you’re referencing that movie where Joe Pesci is a homeless genius living in the bowels of Harvard and Brendan Fraser saves him in some heartwarming way. I’m not sure how the movie ends. A mercy killing? Yes, that’s right, a mercy killing. Brendan Fraser kills Joe Pesci’s character by suffocating him with a stinky yellowed pillow after Pesci’s lobotomy. Great movie!

But to answer your question, I’d say when it comes to reading the alcohol content on cough syrup bottles, yes; the homeless are incredibly well read.

Brendon

Dear Sedaratives:

I need a little dental work done. Any suggestions?

Todd Day
Homosassa, FL

Dear Todd:

You will be blown away with what YouTube has to offer in “how to” videos. Just type in MOLAR EXTRACTION and see what pops up. Nine times out of ten, it’ll be a college sketch troupe doing yet another commercial parody. But if you sift through the phonies you’ll find a watery-eyed lunatic, holding pliers, drunk on bathtub gin, spitting up blood. Watch that and do whatever the guy says. 

Brendon

Dear Sedaratives:

My girlfriend keeps being the same person, but I want to have sex with different people. Is there any way to make my same girlfriend become a different person when I get tired of having sex with the same person? I’d like to save our relationship.

Tyler Frederickson
Glendale, CA

Dear Tyler:

You’ve identified the ultimate conundrum: You want the girl but you also want to sleep with others. No man has managed to make this work. Ever. Except for Gene Simmons. He’s never had to get married, has a regular girlfriend, and sleeps with whoever he wants! And he’s not even good looking! How can this be? I’ll tell you how it be, Tyler. Gene Simmons is a millionaire. 

If you can somehow win millions of dollars (maybe online?) and give it to your girlfriend, I’m nearly convinced that you can create a situation wherein you may sleep with a different lady each night with your girlfriends consent!

And if for some reason you can’t win millions of dollars, don’t worry! You can always recede into the impotence of the average miserable American man. Or become a highly skilled crouching masturbator! No big deal!

Brendon

Dear Sedaratives:

I was told that at age 27 I will suffer the Saturn return. What is this? Should I be worried?

Ben Patterson
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Ben:

This isn’t something to worry about. You just need to return your rental car that day.

Brendon

Dear Sedaratives:

My husband and I are trying to teach our teenage children that they don’t have to drink to have a good time. The problem is, we drink to have a good time. Sometimes we drink a lot and have a really good time! Are we hypocrites?

Mr. and Mrs. P
Madison, Wisconsin

Dear Mr. and Mrs. P:

I appreciate that you’re honest about your boozing. The instincts of most parents is to hide alcohol from their children. That’s a big no-no. You must train your children how to function while under the influence. Give your children “drunk tests.” Send them to school drunk, perhaps on a big test day or when they have to give a book report. Make them get through their flip, silly little child lives totally drunk. Send them to their friend’s birthday party drunk and see if they can keep their shit together! Give them rewards for not acting like drunken assholes!

If your kid can handle these tests, then they will succeed in life where many young celebrities in Hollywood have failed and become the lousy drunks of our world. Make your child the exception. Make your child a good drunk. Make America better. It’s up to you, parents. It’s up to you.

Brendon

Dear Sedaratives:

Pirates v. the Hamburglar. Who would win?

Gabrielle
Memphis, TN

Dear Gabrielle:

“Who would win?” Gabrielle, I love you to pieces but who would win what? Who would win a hamburger stealing competition? If that’s the case, I’d have to give it to the Hamburglar. Or maybe you mean a rape/ murder/ pillage marathon? I guess I’d still have to give it to anyone affiliated with McDonalds. Sorry, pirates. 

Brendon