Sedaratives: Brendon Small

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m a full-time carpenter. Is there any chance I might be the messiah?

Blake H.
Tuscaloosa, Ala.

Dear Blake,

I’ve said this a hundred times, just because you’re a smug carpenter who pontificates doesn’t make you the messiah. But then again, you might be.There’s only one way to find out: Perform a miracle. Walk on air. Take a running jump off a very high building and walk in place. Write me and let me know what happens. Either way, there is no God.

Brendon

Dear Jenny:

Maybe you’re referencing that movie where Joe Pesci is a homeless genius living in the bowels of Harvard and Brendan Fraser saves him in some heartwarming way. I’m not sure how the movie ends. A mercy killing? Yes, that’s right, a mercy killing. Brendan Fraser kills Joe Pesci’s character by suffocating him with a stinky yellowed pillow after Pesci’s lobotomy. Great movie!

But to answer your question, I’d say when it comes to reading the alcohol content on cough syrup bottles, yes; the homeless are incredibly well read.

Brendon

Dear Sedaratives:

I need a little dental work done. Any suggestions?

Todd Day
Homosassa, FL

Dear Todd:

You will be blown away with what YouTube has to offer in “how to” videos. Just type in MOLAR EXTRACTION and see what pops up. Nine times out of ten, it’ll be a college sketch troupe doing yet another commercial parody. But if you sift through the phonies you’ll find a watery-eyed lunatic, holding pliers, drunk on bathtub gin, spitting up blood. Watch that and do whatever the guy says. 

Brendon

Dear Sedaratives:

My girlfriend keeps being the same person, but I want to have sex with different people. Is there any way to make my same girlfriend become a different person when I get tired of having sex with the same person? I’d like to save our relationship.

Tyler Frederickson
Glendale, CA

Dear Tyler:

You’ve identified the ultimate conundrum: You want the girl but you also want to sleep with others. No man has managed to make this work. Ever. Except for Gene Simmons. He’s never had to get married, has a regular girlfriend, and sleeps with whoever he wants! And he’s not even good looking! How can this be? I’ll tell you how it be, Tyler. Gene Simmons is a millionaire. 

If you can somehow win millions of dollars (maybe online?) and give it to your girlfriend, I’m nearly convinced that you can create a situation wherein you may sleep with a different lady each night with your girlfriends consent!

And...