Dear Sedaratives,

Lately my wife has been withdrawn and pretty bummed out. When I ask her what’s wrong, she says “for no particular reason.” Is she mad at me?

Eric Fetterman
New York, N.Y.

Dear Eric,

You have obviously not yet learned the fine art of “reading” women. A woman is a creature that can be studied.It took me years, both in the U.S. and Sun City, but now I know—I mean really know—women. The benefits of this knowledge are endless: Hours of achingly lurid sex; meals cooked at the snap of a finger any time of day or night (and I’m not just talking about the standard meatloaf. Try these sample dishes on for size: Caramelized Beef au Jus in a Blazed Reduction of Rice and Cream; Tuna à La King; Moroccan Noodle Surprise; Chocolate Cake—and that’s only a sampling). In your case, the read could not be easier: Your wife’s refrain of “for no particular reason” is a thinly veiled signal that she wants you to take her to a rodeo. I promise you, after one afternoon of ridin’ and ropin’ (and barrel racing), your wife will be chipper, horny, and ready to pork.

David

Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve got a group of friends I really love. Unfortunately, some of them can end up playing mind games with each other and with me. How should I handle their aggressive or patronizing behavior?

Ian
San Francisco, Calif.

Dear Ian,

I assume by “mind games” you mean brain teasers. My advice is to simply break it down into pieces and make a chart. For example, if the butler is in the room next to Duane, then the butler cannot be Duane, so you just put an “X” on that part of the grid. If you keep eliminating all the possibilities, I’m confident you’ll find that Mrs. Leeverlily was the only one in the study at the time of the murder and so she had the opportunity to shoot General Thornbush with the silver revolver and hide his body in the convertible couch.

If your friends are still patronizing after trying the above, they’re not good friends and you should try to get some new ones. I suggest joining a club where you’ll meet people with similar interests. In your case, check out the fag club.

Good luck!

David

Dear Sedaratives,

My cat likes to eat raw cookie dough, so I often leave a few tablespoons of it in her dish after I’m finished baking. Is this inhumane?

Julia Mordaunt
Burlington, Vt.

Dear Julia,

Oh, Julia. Where to start? First of all, just because she eats cookie dough doesn’t mean she likes it. She might...