Dear Sedaratives,

Can you settle a bet for me? I say that it’s OK to load the dishwasher with different-size plates next to each other, but my mom says that I’ll never find my own apartment or produce grandchildren. My driving privileges are on the line—which one of us is right?

Thanks,
Perry in Peril

Dear Perry in Peril,

What you have asked is technically a “non-question,” because the very notion of doing dishes is flawed. When possible, dishes should be tossed out a window. I know my answer isn’t very “green,” but the time saved will let you make a much bigger impact in your community.

On a separate issue, if your mother has told you that grandchildren are in some way produced by using a dishwasher, she is lying.

Take care,
Eugene

Dear Sedaratives,

I drive a 1997 Honda Civic with 178,000 miles on it. Lately, it’s been making an odd noise and vibrating wildly whenever I apply the brake at highway speeds. Because the car is stolen, I’m reluctant to take it to an authorized mechanic. Does this sound like a serious problem, or can I afford to ignore it for a while?

Cheers,
Dave

Dear Dave,

It sounds like something is wrong with your transmission. You need to get it checked out right away. How am I so sure even though I’ve never owned a car? Because I own something a little more useful than knowledge—I own confidence. Go to the mechanic. Be careful, though. If the mechanic calls the police, you’ll have only about ten minutes to run away. How will you know if he’s called the police? He’ll try to stall you with questions and tasks like “Want to write a play with me right now?,” “Let’s watch the movie Dune,” or “How do the pieces in chess move again?” It’ll be obvious.

Eugene

Dear Sedaratives,

My sister has always had a real zest for life, but lately I’ve noticed that she seems to be drinking more than usual. I’m also not thrilled with the guys she’s been “dating”. How can I approach her about this without sounding like an uptight, repressed spinster?

Prudence
Schenectady, N.Y.

Dear Prudence,

First of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to write “Dear Prudence.” It was really fun. You have the age-old problem of a slightly drunk sister throwing her body a party and inviting, indiscriminately, guys she met at a flea market and several bassists. Often people have to realize on their own that they’re making mistakes (Robert Downey Jr. and Amy Winehouse are just two examples). Still, you can accelerate the process....