Dear Sedaratives,

What do you think is the best way to tell my dad I’m a lesbian? I’m thinking he’s already suspicious since I’m thirty-one and haven’t yet brought a guy home.

Jennifer Alfonso
Tampa, Fla.

Dear Jennifer,

I’ll tell him. What’s his number? Let me practice what I’m going to say to him. “Hi, Mr. Alfonso? I’m Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live on NBC. ” No, no, no. “Hey! Señor Alfonso! Whatchoo’ doin’? Slap me five! ” No. “Mr. Alfonso, this is an amazing, weird planet we live on. Look at that sky. Is there a name for such a beautiful color? Let’s talk about your daughter. ” No. I’ll figure it out. But again, his number, please.

Fred

Dear Sedaratives,

Which is better for cannabis, the cookie or the brownie? Or are we all off track? Should we explore other options, like marmalade ortrail mix? Plus, do you have any recipes?

Jack Foster
Tampa, Fla.

Dear Jack,

Leave sweets alone. They don’t need your cannabis. Why would you want to ruin a delicious brownie? Here’s a recipe: Go out your front door. Get in your car. Drive down the street. Go to a parking lot. Get out of your car and sit on the hood. Think about your question. Think about the fact that you don’t know me well enough to ask me a question like that. It’s called manners. Have them.

Fred

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m a college student turning twenty. The last girlfriend I had was in high school, and that was after three years of asking her out every summer. In college, I find it hard to meet girls with similar interests, like television on DVD or sixty trips to the movie theater a year. Do I have to give up my obviously unsuccessful lifestyle and become more intrepid to find available women, or is there a woman out there sedate enough for me to date?

Na Jo
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Na,

There are many holes in your story. The numbers don’t check out. You’re turning twenty but you spent three summers with-out a girlfriend but you had one in high school? The math doesn’t work. Sixty trips to the movie theatre a year but you’re a full-time student, which means you can only work part-time but you’re also into DVDs? It doesn’t make sense. What are you really trying to ask me? I know. You want to ask me why my arms are so built. Na! Don’t be so shy. Go ahead and ask. It comes from rigorous weight lifting and weight training. Some push-ups, but mostly weights.

Fred

Dear Sedaratives,

I recently received an...