Sedaratives: Jermaine Clement

Dear Sedaratives,

I think pink is a sickening color. Pepto-Bismol is pink, as are most of our innards. So why do we assign this color to girls? Isn’t that subconsciously antifeminist?

Ricardo M.
Calabasas, Calif.

Dear Ricardo M.,

Your question opens up a series of issues, some to do with our society (socio-anthropological), some to do with our brains and bodies (neurobiological), and some just your own crazy personal shit that you need to have a good think about (psycho-individu-fecal). What I’ve observed from having known actual girls is that in general they have a natural predilection for the color pink. Even a pre-socialized girl (or pre-socio-juvegyne) raised without gender expectations (or gendo-expectagons) will at some stage exclusively choose the pink outfit, cake, MP3 player, or plastic dwelling to shelter her tiny plastic adult human female replica (who is also dressed in pink, drives a pink car, and computes using a pink laptop.) Rigorous clinical googling has revealed that women’s eyes are more attuned to the red/pink/lilac end of the spectrum, possibly because prehistoric human females (Neanderfemales and Lady Erectus) needed to gather berries and fruit (or pre-chocolithic groceries) for their smoothies.

I, however, don’t agree that pink is inherently sickening. Some really pleasant things are pink, such as roses, sunsets, marshmallows, and vaginas. So what is your problem with vaginas, Ricardo?

Jemaine

Dear Sedaratives,

The debt ceiling has me concerned. Is this something that I, as a concerned citizen and a good American, can help out with? You know, like recycling.

Joe P.
Tempe, Ariz.

Dear Joe P.,

Don’t worry about the debt ceiling—it’s the debt you should worry about! You guys are really in debt, man! How did you guys get into so much debt? I thought you were rich! What the hell have you been buying? It wasn’t health care! You have more debt than when you were going to the moon! Did you blow it all on aircraft carriers or something? Did you spend it all on designer suits in the ’80s? Did you all get one each? I hope you’re not spending it on drugs! America, look me in the eye and tell me you’re not doing drugs.
Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to help with the national debt:
(1) Make sure you are paying tax in the correct bracket for your earnings.
(2)Buy locally made items. Keeping money in the country is a great help to the economy in general.
(3)Lobby your local politicians to make sure your money is being spent responsibly.
(4) Give the government 20 billion dollars.

Jemaine

Dear Sedaratives,

I have six parakeets. Is that too...