Dear Sedaratives,

Does electrolysis really work? I’m not so sure.

Angie Kritenbrink
Federal Way, Wash.

Dear Angie,

First off, what is Federal Way? That sounds like some sort of lie. There is no “way” for our federation. Like the Death Star or Rome, we are hurtling toward an abysmal destination that only the worthless history books and withered poets can encapsulate, wordwise. As for your question about electrolysis, try covering your hirsutitude with a hat, preferably worn faux-haphazardly askew, as is the style these days.

Vernon and John

Dear Sedaratives,

My nine-month-old pug named Fang has recently taken a liking to eating his own poop. When I get the chance to actually spend an entire day with him, I feel like he teaches me a thing or two. My question is, Should I try eating his poop?

Chris Funk
guitarist for the Decemberists

Dear Chris,

Well, yours is an arrestingly unique conundrum, Mr. Funk. And, in fact, you very well may be joking, as is your human right. But we still intend to answer this question for the benefit of those for whom the nightmare of Spastic Fecal Ingestion is very real.SFI has only recently been acknowledged by the U.S. Medicalry Institute, an organization which itself has yet to be recognized by anyone anywhere. It just so happens that our great-aunt Lillia “suffered” your plight, but she was a fighter to the last who could beat anything, and she “passed” her homeliest of home remedies on to us.Use it wisely:take a quarter pinch of raw talcum powder and hold it between your two ring toes, douse your back hair in a blend of rainwater, Cranapple cocktail and Dramamine, pop the ticks on your left arm with a wooden matchstick and as they burst, kiss a jar of our grandmarm’s famous hand-marmed marmalade between each of the crisp crackles, take a deep breath, hold it, and then immediately eat as much of the dog’s rectal output as you can stomach. You should awake the next morning to find your hair has more bounce, more luster, and more sheen than you could have possibly foreseen!

Vernon and John

Dear Sedaratives,

Since arriving in New York about a year ago, I haven’t been motivated to cook. I haven’t had sex, either, and I’m beginning to think the two are somehow related. My friends have suggested the “pity lay” but I feel that’s cheating—sort of the equivalent of a microwave dinner. Any suggestions for turning these two worrying trends around?

Lauren Marks
New York, N.Y.

Dear Lauren,

Manners, Lauren, manners! Never, ever, ever turn down a “pity lay.” It is also considered bad form to reject the...