Dear Sedaratives,

I was talking on the phone with my brother not long ago, and while we were saying our good-bye I told him I loved him. He seemed hesitant to return the words. I haven’t said it again since, but it’s been on my mind. What’s wrong with telling your brother you love him? Could it be some deep-seated homophobia?

Feeling Unloved in Alaska

Dear Feeling Unloved in Alaska?

I am confused. Are these questions for real or is this column a joke? If this is real, I would say that it is often hard for siblings to connect after so many difficult years of rivalry and competition for the love of their parents. If this is a fake letter then I am not sure what to say. Am I supposed to make a joke?

Judd

Dear Sedaratives,

My neighbor’s dog has been leaving “surprises” on my front lawn. I’ve complained about it repeatedly, but he refuses to curb his dog or, at the very least, keep the mutt on a leash. Legally, does this give me the right to take a dump on his property?

Ready to Poop
Clearwater, Fla.

Dear Ready to Poop?

This one feels like a fake letter. The question is not very funny or unique. I thought the Believer was written by smart, literate people. Or maybe they are so smart that they don’t know how to write dirty questions and jokes. I wonder if these questions are lame as some sort of ironic comment on how the magazine feels about me.

Judd

Dear Sedaratives,

My son was just diagnosed with a wheat allergy. Does this mean he’s going to be rotten at competitive sports?

Handwringing father in St. Louis

Dear Handwringing in St. Louis,

Now, this is the type of question that only an egg-head unfunny human can write. When looked at from every possible direction it is devoid of humor. It is also so unfunny that there’s no way for me to spin it funny, even if I comment on how unfunny it is. I don’t see how any of this promotes “Funny People.” Maybe that is the whole point. They are so against that type of promotion and publicity that they invite me to answer these questions, knowing I will fail. My failure is their intellectual way of attacking me for being commercial. I can’t believe the Believer is so mean and judgmental.

Judd

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m reading a book and I really hate it, but I’m almost done. I think I’m going to finish it, but I’m having an existential crisis re: wasting my life reading a book I hate. On the other...