Sedaratives: Julie Klausner

Dear Sedaratives:

Exactly how awkward is it that I think my gynecologist is a little cute? Should I be looking for a doctor who I find personally unattractive?

Anonymous
Ann Arbor, Mich.

Hi Anonymous:

First of all, don’t you love that expression: “Awk-ward!”? I certainly do. I also like “Tell us how you really feel,” and “That’s gonna leave a mark!” That second one is a thing you say while somebody near you is hurt physically, and instead of running to their defense, you’re like, “I’m going to stand here and say something I stole from that old lady with the craggy face and saggy breasts from the Shoebox Greetings birthday cards.” And when the cops come and give you a look like, “This woman is bleeding internally and you just stood there and said something about leaving a mark,” you twiddle your thumbs (or breasts) and you’re like “Awk-ward!”

So, to answer your rather McMahonian question, “How awkward is it?” as pertaining to your attractive “OMG-YN”: in all honesty, it does sound pretty awkward.

But that’s not to say you should be pounding the Cigna directory for a suitably repellent alternative to “Dr. T. and the Women, starring Richard Gere.” It just depends on how comfortable you are flirting with somebody whose job it is to make sure your ovaries don’t wither, or your cervix doesn’t turn to clay, or that your various O’Keefeian plumbing doesn’t malfunction in a disgusting or upsetting way.

If you’re afraid of being honest about what ails you in the pants at the risk of seeming coy, or dumb, or however it is ladies like to act these days to make it so men want to get their John Hancocks all tangled up in their corn mazery, then you owe it to your tubes and their surrounding garden furniture to seek gynecological assistance elsewhere.

And if you’re like “Fuck it, my pussy is my best feature,” then Godspeed, Anonymous. Go forth, and make things awkward like a fox.

Julie

Dear Sedaratives:

I got a black eye after falling down some stairs. Seriously. But every time I explain that to my friends, they assume I’m covering up an abusive relationship. How do I make it obvious that my boyfriend isn’t smacking me around and I honestly am just a clumsy ass?

Two Left Feet in Kentucky

Dear Lefty:

Have you ever considered having an affair with somebody who is abusive? That way you wouldn’t be lying to your friends, who seem nice. Also, what kind of stairs give you a black eye? Constantly turning Busby Berkeley stairs?...