Sedaratives: Laraine Newman

Dear Sedaratives:

This is incredibly embarrassing, but I don’t know who else to ask. For some reason, my genitals smell like onions. I have excellent hygiene, and I’ve tried scrubbing down there repeatedly, to no avail. Obviously, I don’t get a lot of oral sex because there aren’t many ladies who enjoy a male member that stinks of onions. What should I do?!

Anonymous

Tallahassee, FL

Dear Anonymous:

As you’ve chosen not to reveal anything about yourself, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re Italian or of some other Mediterranean lineage. Its been proven that cultural preferences can permeate everything. Everything. Furthermore, I would venture to say that you come from a lower socio-economic background. Am I right? Scary, huh? You see, your problem isn’t that unusual, but because you live in a place like Tallahassee, where the population is predominantly white, Anglo-Saxon and Baptist, perhaps you’ve encountered genitals that smelled like buttermilk biscuits, or fatback. This can be an innocuous scent to those who are used to more pungent aromas and would go unnoticed by someone like you. Therefore, you would surmise that yours are the only genitals with any kind of odor.

Now, let me address the socio economic part of the equation. Have you ever heard the expression “A leek is a poor man’s asparagus”? Indeed there are different levels of aromatic allium that are associated with class. For instance, I come from an upper middle class background, so my genitals smell like shallots; so often used in French cuisine. If one were middle class, a scallion might represent their junk odor. Anonymous, you simply come from a long line of onion eaters and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Find yourself a nice Italian or Greek girl. For her, your business will smell like home.

Laraine

Dear Sedaratives:

I keep the Velvet Underground on my IPod. I don’t listen to it, it’s just there in case someone goes snooping around in my music, so that I look cool. What other music should I load in there to seem cool?

Jeff Campbell

Bushkill, PA

Dear Jeff:

You can’t please everyone. To try and second guess the snoopers is a nonstarter because it’s such a broad spectrum. What if “someone” were, oh, say, your mom, since you’re so clearly an adolescent. I know, I know, who cares if you mom thinks you’re cool, right? Well, its just good politics to endear yourself to Ms. Dinner McCreditcard, bro. Now, your mom’s criteria might be retro, but not just any retro. It has to be her retro. What if, for her, that’s The Captain and Tennille? Then you’re faced with the possibility that one...