Sedaratives: Lena Dunham

Dear Sedaratives,

I drink a lot of seltzer water. Does it count just like regular water in my diet-mandated eight glasses of water a day? I guess what I’m asking is: is seltzer real water or fake water?

Bethany
Boulder, Colo.

Dear Bethany,

Totally it’s water! I did read that carbonation leaches calcium from your bones, and I know it bloats you, so whenever I make a series of furious health vows, I quit it. But regular water is so boring—unless you are cultivating an interest in general wellness and being really showy about it by carrying around a big smartwater bottle.

Lena

Dear Sedaratives,

My son has four soft blocks, each with numbers and trains on it. The “one” block jingles, the “two” block crinkles, the “three” block squeaks, but the “four” block talks and counts to the number four. With such a low-tech toy, why must the company resort at the last minute to cheap electronic gimmicks?

Larry Kreiger
Cupertino, Calif.

Dear Larry,

That sounds so awful! Can I ask you a question? The moment you had kids, did you start to feel like your life had a purpose and it was to serve these little angels, or do you still mourn a time when the only offensive sound you heard was whatever Nickelback song you were currently and privately obsessed with? I gotta know, because I plan to have kids before I’m fifty, and I’m anxious I won’t get with the program.

Would your son be upset if you just destroyed the block or “lost it” in the night? The person running that toy company probably never thinks before they act.

Lena

Dear Sedaratives,

What gets glitter out of cashmere?

Kelly Nixon
Reading, Pa.

Dear Kelly,

I’m genuinely concerned for your sweater and don’t wanna just be cheeky, so I’d say dry-clean. On another note, what party were you at? Is there another one soon? I hope it was all four-year-olds, and I hope you’ll bring me next time.

Ya gurl,

Lena

Dear Sedaratives,

Duly noted; I will not heat a Snickers bar again. The nougat will take a layer of skin off the roof of your mouth. For precaution’s sake, can you inform me of some other foods that should not be heated prior to being eaten? Thank you.

A. W.

Dear A. W.,

This is a great question, and I have a great answer because I have never met a food I wanted to heat up. Some stuff I enjoy cold is: deli turkey (preferably organic, preferably eaten on a street-corner while waiting for the light to change), presliced fruit, chewable vitamins. Fact: You don’t need to heat...