Sedaratives: Adam Mckay

Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve heard that you can legally buy marijuana if you have glaucoma. I’d like to avoid optic nerve damage, as anything on or around my eyes kinda creeps me out. Are there non-eyeball diseases that would allow me to smoke government-sanctioned weed?

Thanks,
Sandy
Modesto, Calif.

Dear Sandy,

You’ve asked a very intriguing question. Right now, in the great state of California, there are many ailments that doctors will treat with weed: back pain, anxiety, that time of the month, etc., etc. Some lesser-known ailments include: being bitten by a fruit bat (let’s face it, if you’ve been bitten by a poodle-size bat, you need to get high fast so you can laugh about it), being dead (8 percent of marijuana users are zombies, thus explaining their slow walk and lack of jobs), and being haunted by a ghost (if you walk into a doctor’s office and yell, “The ghosts won’t get out of my head!” what serious professional won’t hook you up with some ganja immediately?).

Adam

Dear Sedaratives,
I’ve heard so much recently about an impending global grain shortage. Should I be hoarding bread?
John B.
Seattle, WA

Dear John,

It’s shocking to me that you haven’t already been hoarding bread. I’m going to assume you’re Amish and don’t have access to any kind of useful information whatsoever. I started hoarding bread back in ‘79 and now have approximately 34 tons of fermented bread in U-Store-Its across the country. I’ve got Wonder Bread with Justice League of America trading cards in it, and frozen Lenders Bagels from ‘82. Recently I was arrested for operating a still because apparently the guards at the storage facilities were getting drunk off of my old bread. But that’s a problem I can live with, while you starve to death up there in Washington State.

Adam

Dear Sedaratives,

According to the old adage: “Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” But what if you prefer popping bennies? Where’s the snappy, helpful rhyme for those of us who like our bliss in pill form?

TJ
Portland, OR

Dear TJ,

It’s tough to be from the northwest because popular culture and medicine takes decades to get to you folks. Having said that, we easterners and southwesterners thank you for your gold and potatoes. The saying is “Bennies before dilaudid, never clouded; huffing white-out before injecting CAT into your dick, you might get a smidge sick.” Another popular one in my neck of the woods is “Grain alcohol before a glass of liquid acid, always placid; pulling a 300-dude train while high on angel dust before cliff diving on...