(The editors and Mr. C. K. would like to apologize in advance for his overt and unnecessary ­hostility. Mr. C. K. was, by his own admission, “having a bad day.”)

Dear Sedaratives:

How come Arnold Palmer gets a drink named after him and I don’t? Could you recommend steps toward “I-have-a-drink-named-after-me” greatness?

Envious Imbiber
Ann Arbor, Mich.

Dear Envious:

First of all, the Arnold Palmer, as it is known (half lemonade, half ice tea), was not named after the golfer Arnold Palmer. It was named after your mother’s old dried-up snatchola. Yeah. You heard me right.

Louis

Dear Sedaratives:

I asked a girl to marry me and she said no. Now we’re dating again. Can I use the same ring to propose again if I put it in a different box?

Nick B.
Easton, Pa.

Dear Nick:

Why would you date a girl that said no to you the first time? Why don’t you go find a sharp thing and stick it up your stupid dickhole? By the way, I’ve been to Easton, PA, and it was a nice town. Except for you.

Shit in a pipe, douche.

Louis

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m ready to grow a mustache, but I don’t want to send the wrong message. What does each style of mustache say about its owner?

Norm
Jacksonville, Fla.

Dear Norm:

I don’t know what any mustache says about its owner, but I know what yours will say. It will say, “Please get me off the face of this stupid ugly cunt.” Nobody likes you. Even the a and the n at the end of your name ran off because you’re such a fucking stupid twat.

Thanks for your letter.

Louis

Dear Sedaratives:

Is secondhand smoke really as bad as everyone says it is?

Rebekkeh T.
San Francisco, Calif.

Dear Rebekkeh:

Very good question. Let me give you some statistics.

1. Your name is stupid.

2. Nobody cares what you think.

3. I hate you.

4. I have a pretty nice penis. It’s not huge, but it’s well sized and it’s nice. This isn’t directed at you. It’s directed at any attractive woman reading this magazine who might run into me later in her life. I’d rather advertise my penis than answer your stupid question. Idiot.

Louis

Dear Sedaratives:

For a long time the main thing that’s bothered me is procrastination. Like right now. I’m procrastinating instead of doing my job. In the old days humans hunted and were hunted—by mastodons and wolverines and such—but now we sit in front of computers. We got no excitement. So I procrastinate. Piss people off. Barrel through deadlines. Living la vida loca. Am I wrong-headed about...