Dear Sedaratives,

My fiancée’s father is pissed because I never asked him for permission to marry his daughter. But the last time I saw the guy, he took me aside and told me he was gonna slice my throat open the next time we were alone. Is there a polite way to make him feel involved in our wedding without giving him an opportunity to come after me with a hunting knife?

Thanks,
Scared-shitless groom
Evansville, Ind.

Hi Shitless,

Sure, there’s lots of ways to get on the old man’s good side without worrying about being gutted like a fish. My suggestion: make him your DJ. You might be thinking he could still come after you with a record needle, but, rest assured, modern DJs usually use either compact discs or MP3s. There’s very little danger involved, unless you dislike the singer Vic Damone, in which case the danger is very high.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Scared Shitless,

Michael Black really isn’t the best authority on this sort of thing. His answer for everything is “Make him your DJ.” What do I get my doorman for Christmas? Make him your DJ. How do I convince my boss to give me a raise? Make him your DJ. But DJs can’t solve everything, Mike. Lucky for you, Shitless, I can relate to your specific situation. Funny story: When I proposed to my college girlfriend—well, before I proposed to my college girlfriend—I invited her father on an all-expenses-paid fishing tour of the Virgin Islands. Fantastic marlin out there. So, we’re out in the middle of the big blue, slugging back Coronas on this yacht I rented with the last of my scholarship money, sun’s setting, and I pull him aside and I say, “Dad,” and then he says—this is the great part—“Dad?” Really high-pitched and adorable: “Dad?” And I say, “Yeah. I want you to be my dad. Dad.” We’ve been best friends ever since. Girlfriend and I split that month, but Mr. Akers and I are as close as ever.

What was your question?

Michael Showalter

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Who knew cashews were so high in carbohydrates? I mean, not like white-bread high, but certainly higher than I thought. Are there any other foods deceptively high in carbs that might be sabotaging my diet?

Liz Fisher
Gaithersburg, Md.

Dear Liz,

To answer this question fully and accurately, I’ll need a photo of you. And another of you eating cashews.

Thanks!

Michael Showalter

Dear Liz,

Please disregard my friend Michael Showalter’s coarse attempt at suavity. He cares little about the health ramifications of your cashew consumption. I, on the other hand, am concerned with...