Dear Sedaratives,

My fiancée’s father is pissed because I never asked him for permission to marry his daughter. But the last time I saw the guy, he took me aside and told me he was gonna slice my throat open the next time we were alone. Is there a polite way to make him feel involved in our wedding without giving him an opportunity to come after me with a hunting knife?

Thanks,
Scared-shitless groom
Evansville, Ind.

Hi Shitless,

Sure, there’s lots of ways to get on the old man’s good side without worrying about being gutted like a fish. My suggestion: make him your DJ. You might be thinking he could still come after you with a record needle, but, rest assured, modern DJs usually use either compact discs or MP3s. There’s very little danger involved, unless you dislike the singer Vic Damone, in which case the danger is very high.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Scared Shitless,

Michael Black really isn’t the best authority on this sort of thing. His answer for everything is “Make him your DJ.” What do I get my doorman for Christmas? Make him your DJ. How do I convince my boss to give me a raise? Make him your DJ. But DJs can’t solve everything, Mike. Lucky for you, Shitless, I can relate to your specific situation. Funny story: When I proposed to my college girlfriend—well, before I proposed to my college girlfriend—I invited her father on an all-expenses-paid fishing tour of the Virgin Islands. Fantastic marlin out there. So, we’re out in the middle of the big blue, slugging back Coronas on this yacht I rented with the last of my scholarship money, sun’s setting, and I pull him aside and I say, “Dad,” and then he says—this is the great part—“Dad?” Really high-pitched and adorable: “Dad?” And I say, “Yeah. I want you to be my dad. Dad.” We’ve been best friends ever since. Girlfriend and I split that month, but Mr. Akers and I are as close as ever.

What was your question?

Michael Showalter

Dear Sedaratives,

Who knew cashews were so high in carbohydrates? I mean, not like white-bread high, but certainly higher than I thought. Are there any other foods deceptively high in carbs that might be sabotaging my diet?

Liz Fisher
Gaithersburg, Md.

Dear Liz,

To answer this question fully and accurately, I’ll need a photo of you. And another of you eating cashews.

Thanks!

Michael Showalter

Dear Liz,

Please disregard my friend Michael Showalter’s coarse attempt at suavity. He cares little about the health ramifications of your cashew consumption. I, on the other hand, am concerned with your well-being. Now, I don’t know what you’re into, but jizz has a lot of carbs. People think sperm is just a great source of protein, and it is, but it’s also loaded with carbs. The twist? They’re the good kind of carbs. The baby-making kind.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Sedaratives,

I went to dinner at my mom’s place last weekend and she served something called “chicken à la king.” I called her out on it. Isn’t that like when fast-food restaurants call their ketchup “fancy”? So anyway, I said to my mom, “Chicken à la bullshit,” and now she’s not talking to me. What should I do?

Sandra
Grand Rapids, Mich.

Dear Sandra,

Take a step back: what if people told you that what you liked to eat was “bullshit”? You’d probably feel pretty insulted, too. I guess my question to you is, why are you all up in your mother’s shit? All she ever did was give birth to you and raise you the best she could. And then you turn around and throw it in her face. My advice: pick up the phone and apologize. You’ll be glad you did.

Michael Ian Black

Sandra,

Have you considered waterboarding?

But seriously, have you?

I think about it all the time.

Michael Showalter

Dear Sedaratives,

As I’ve gotten older, my skin has become more sensitive and breaks out very easily. I’ve heard that a skin-care regimen might help, but I don’t have the attention span to slap on moisturizer every night. Is there an easier way to maintain youthful skin for us lazy girls?

Linda M.
Baltimore, Md.

Hi Linda,

Absolutely. My once-a-month never-fails skin-care regimen is sure to keep your skin as clear and supple as a new contact lens. On the first day of every month, dip six to eight aloe leaves in a mixture of one part lavender, one part red-wine vinegar, and two parts maple syrup. Affix those leaves to your “problem areas” with surgical tape and voilà! You’re done. Just keep those leaves where they are for the next four weeks until you’re ready to do it all over again. Even if it doesn’t clear up your skin, nobody will notice, because you’ll have aloe leaves all over your face.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Linda,

Black does have a knack for beauty chemistry, but I’ve taken our shared talent a step further and merchandised my personal at-home remedy. Go on; try Black’s method—but what if you find your face still looks like a caprese salad? What then? You’re in luck. My brand-new patent-pending formula is hitting your pharmacist’s shelves as we speak: Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot™. Made from the purest infant vomit, spit-up, and diarrhea, Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot™ both smoothes lined, wrinkly skin and soaks up excess bacteria and puss. Just dab a generous amount of this unique night cream onto problem areas and smack on that lipstick, girl! Your friends and/or sexual partners will be too distracted by the glistening slime and offensive odor to notice your repulsive acne sores.

Good luck!

Michael

Dear Sedaratives,

Can you substitute baking soda for baking powder?

Lauren M.
Manhattan, Kans.

Hi Lauren,

This sounds like the kind of question a terrorist would ask.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Lauren,

I revert to my standard motto: “No Substitutions—Genuine Class.”

Michael Showalter

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m almost seventy-four years old and my doctor just told me I have genital warts. How the hell is that possible? I was in the military and banged everything that moved, and I get my first STD when I’m old as dirt? That can’t be fair, can it?

The Colonel

Dear Colonel,

You’re right. It’s not fair. And those that know Michael Showalter know that I am a staunch advocate of our men in uniform. That’s why I’m sponsoring the Veterans of Foreign Wars Gettin’ Freaky Act. This bill will mandate that Uncle Sam pay for that genital-wart cream, the herpes antibiotics, the sex-offender rehabilitation courses—whatever it is that you need to keep on get-tin’ freaky. It’s not a sexually transmitted disease—it’s a sexually transmitted solution.

Patriotically yours,
Michael Showalter

 Hi Colonel,

Michael Showalter may say he supports old people, but his rhetoric ignores the cold, hard facts: Michael Showalter just doesn’t like old people. I, however, love them, and I’ve thought long and hard about your query, Colonel. Maybe you sat on a very old toilet seat. That is the only possible explanation. (Vote Michael Ian Black for mayor.)

Michael Ian Black