Dear Sedaratives,
Is it wrong to have sex with somebody I respect but don’t find physically attractive? I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks, and while the sex has been repulsive, our post-coital conversations are always stimulating and fulfilling. Is there something wrong with me?
Jenny Godfrey
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Dear Jenny,
Allow me to answer your last question first. Yes, there is some-thing wrong with you. You’re retarded. I don’t mean retarded in the casual sense (e.g., “you’re retarded”). I am clinically diagnosing you as a person with mental retardation. Because you are retarded, I don’t expect you to understand the difference, but trust me when I say that my use of the word retarded is not offensive at all. Sex repulses you not because your boyfriend is unattractive but because you have the mind of a seven-year-old. Your postcoital conversations (no idea how you whipped out that word, but I once saw a retarded person on Regis and Kelly who could count backward, so I’ll believe just about any-thing) are stimulating because who doesn’t enjoy a conversation with a man who has sex with retarded girls. Now that’s a guy with stories!
Morgan
Dear Sedaratives,
I love James Patterson thrillers, but whenever my friends catch me reading one of his books, they give me a look like it’s Gang Bang Trannies. Should I give up on my guilty pleasure and choke down more Don DeLillo and Thomas Pynchon, or get less judgmental friends?
Chad P.
Richton Park, Ill.
Dear Chad,
I can’t believe you would make up such a convoluted story just so you could reference Thomas Pynchon and Don DeLillo in the same sentence. Nice work, douchebag.
I am also personally insulted by your mockery of Gang Bang Trannies. I’ll have you know that it’s the greatest fictional depiction of polyamory since Little Women II, Louisa May Alcott’s harrowing follow-up about four lesbian midgets who fuck one other in post–Civil War New England.
Why would you write to a magazine and ask a question about books? Do you think I’d write a letter to The Five People You Meet in Heaven asking Mitch Albom if I should continue to read XXL? Actually, that’s a poor example. Have you read Tuesdays with Morrie? That guy could answer anything. Now that I think about it, you should probably try to get his advice.
Morgan
Dear Sedaratives,
My boyfriend wants to go to Burning Man, but the last time he was there, he had sex with a man covered in silver body paint. He says it was just a one-time thing—how often do you get to fuck a silver man?—but I’m worried that it might happen again. Am I right to be concerned?
Glenn
Oakland, Calif.
Dear Glenn,
I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is gaaaaay. You two fellas have obviously been together awhile if this is his second Burning Man, but if he’s fucking a man (covered in silver paint, no less), then he is a homosexual, and you need to figure out if that’s something you’re willing to live with. I would advise approaching him gently on this subject, as nobody wants to be dragged out of the closet. Perhaps bring it up to him while he’s blowing you.
Above all, don’t judge him. I happen to know that you’re required to fuck a man covered in silver paint to get in to Burning Man. It’s a policy established in 1998, after a complaint that paper tickets were wasteful and added to the festival’s already excessive littering. Inserting one’s penis into a silver man is the ultimate form of recycling. That way, if the Burning Man Police want to know if you’ve paid your entrance fee, they can simply ask to see your silver penis. It’s quite brilliant in its simplicity, and kind to Mother Earth. Other events now implementing the “Fuck a man covered in silver body paint” policy include Lollapalooza, various FM radio stations’ “Jingle Balls,” and the Westminster dog show.
Warm regards,
Morgan
