Sedaratives: Rose McGowan

Dear Sedaratives,

At a dinner party, what’s the best wine to serve that says,“If you guys want to turn this into a key party, I wouldn’t be opposed?”

Josh
Manchester, N.H.

Dearest Josh,

A nice bottle of Manischewitz mixed with Rohypnol usually does the trick.

Rose

Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve been married for fifteen years, and my wife just announced that she thinks we should get separate beds. Is she trying to tell me something?

Peter D.
Baltimore, Md.

 Dear Peter,

Yes. Watch out. It starts with separate beds and then the next thing you know, you’re being fed poison with dinner. I’m thinking she’ll use arsenic. It takes a little while to die, and it’s quite painful. The good news is that once you’re autopsied, a bitter almond smell will be released from your body. Once the medical examiner smells that, your death will be ruled a homicide. I know these things: I’ve seen CSI, both the original show and that Miami spin-off. I can’t stand the Miami CSI. That redheaded dude thinks he’s all slick with his dopey sunglasses. Redheaded dudes are not cool.

Rose

Dear Sedaratives,

My girlfriend wants a big fancy wedding, but I’d rather just go to the courthouse and get it over with. Is there a way to compromise, maybe split the difference? Or is that dumb?

Reluctant Groom
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Reluctant,

When I’m flummoxed, a good night of square dancing really shakes the dumb right out of me. Also, your girlfriend is a whore.

Rose

Dear Sedaratives,

I was laid off a few months ago, and my severance check is bigger than I thought—enough to pay my rent and keep me in weed. Remind me why I should be looking for a new job?

B. Henderson
Grand Rapids, Mich.

Dear B,

Because eventually the severance pay will run out and you’ll have watched everything on TV and you won’t be able to afford cable or Netflix anymore and it will be the end of time so no new movies or TV shows will be produced, the weed will run out, and then you will die. So: Stay at it, B. Henderson! You go, America!

Rose

Dear Sedaratives,

I know office romances are a terrible idea, but I think I’m falling in love with the woman in the next cubicle. Should I let her know how I feel, or keep my emotions a secret?

Lovelorn in Los Angeles

Dear Lovelorn,

Here’s how to make her love you: Start out with late-night calls to her house. Don’t talk, just breathe. Heavily. Do that about twenty to thirty...