Sedaratives: Todd Barry

Dear Sedaratives,

Is there anything—animal, vegetable, or mineral—that shouldn’t be used to make a bong?

Sincerely,
Fucked Up in the Northeast

Dear F.U.I.T.N.,

Rather than answer your question, I’d like to give a couple of thank-yous. First, thank you for taking time away from burning copies of the latest Moe album and writing me. Second, thank you for signing your letter “Fucked Up in the Northeast.” Most people who announce that they’re “fucked up” aren’t thoughtful enough to include the region of the United States that they’re “fucked up” in. This is really handy for travelers. Maybe some family is headed toward the Northeast. They don’t want to expose their children to someone who is “fucked up”—even if that person is hilarious—so they now know that it is potentially safe to head northwest. (Although I’ve been there, and they have more than their share of people who are “fucked up.”) Anyway, to answer your question, I’m not a pothead but I’d probably make a bong out of any animal, any vegetable, but not the mineral wollastonite.

Todd

Dear Sedaratives,

What’s the difference between a transsexual and a transvestite? Which is the one where you tuck it instead of snip it? I just don’t want to make a mistake that I’ll regret for a long, long time.

Greg Sawyer
Macomb, Mich.

Dear Greg,

That’s an easy one, Greg. A transvestite is someone you fuck. A transsexual is someone you marry.

Todd

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is cheating on me. I know this because I’m cheating on her and I’ve learned to recognize the signs. How can I expose her infidelity while protecting my own house of cards? (And please, no wise-ass “maybe you should stop cheating” advice. If I wanted a morality lecture, I would’ve asked my mom. )

Mr. Cake-and-Eat-It-Too
Savannah, Ga.

Dear Mr. Cake-and Eat-It-Too,

It’s really difficult to focus on your question with your girlfriend’s lips around my cock. Not your mistress’s lips. Your girlfriend’s. I’m seriously involved in a torrid sexual relationship with your current girlfriend, and I’m actually having sex with her as I type this (selfish, I know). You want to expose her infidelity? Log on to my Flickr account and click the album titled “Mrs. Cake-and-Eat-It-Too.” Or better yet, log on to her Photobucket account and click on the album titled “My Man-ah Who’s Not From Savannah.” I could also email you some evidence (unless you’re one of those uptight assholes who “won’t open anything with an attachment.” Actually, scratch that. I’m one of those assholes). But to get back on track, your girlfriend is cheating on you....