Sedaratives: Zach Galifianakis

Dear Sedaratives,
Two years ago, I was married impetuously, against the wishes of my parents. Now everyone’s content; that is, everyone but me. Lately I’ve noticed that my life is extremely dull. My friends no longer want to hang out since I’ve stopped drinking all the time. I’m boring! What can I do to quash this, and is this a normal rite of passage?

 Jenny Skytta
Seattle,Wash.

Dear Jenny,
After long thought and looking up the word “impetuously,” I have come to my answer. Dorothy Parker once said,“The cure for boredom is curiosity.There is no cure for curiosity.” I think it is time to be curious about drinking again.

Zach

Dear Sedaratives,
A friend recently gave me a twice-used Weber grill for my birthday. The instructions are fairly clear that it is only to be used outdoors. I never leave the house, however, because my neighbors are all government spies. Is there a way that I can enjoy the delicious taste of charcoal-grilled meat within the confines of my sanctum?

Brooke James Saucier
Evanston, Ill.

Dear Brooke,

So the government is hassling you, huh? Not surprising. I get followed all the time because I wrote a memo to my assistant saying that I used to date Dakota Fanning, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives thinks it’s their business. Anyway, as for your question, grilling inside is dangerous but rewarding. I usually grill in the bathroom, since it’s the only room with a built-in fan. Sitting on the toilet while checking the progress of your wiener is a Fourth of July tradition in the Galifianakis home.

Zach

Dear Sedaratives,

Why do stalkers usually chase people into abandoned amusement parks?

Craig Baird
Memphis,Tenn.

Dear Craig,

I think they’re just following federal law. “Those wishing to stalk or harass a fellow citizen by trailing them must eventually end up in an abandoned amusement park, a burnt-out Taco Bell,or a docked retired naval battleship”(Sec.18 U.S.C.875 c). Some states require stalkers to have a limp. In New Hampshire, you can’t stalk anyone unless your name is Marcus. Good luck.

Zach

Dear Sedaratives,

I just got out of rehab and I’m wondering how to get back into the swing of normal life. Do you have any wisdom to share regarding how one can feel at ease in society without the use of narcotics?

Lorelei Leslie
Santa Monica, Calif.

Dear Lorelei,

The transition from rehab to the normal world is a tough one. I spent some time in rehab for my addiction to homemade ecstasy— made from Tide with...