Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

Dear Amy,

I want to make a bong. I have some old flower vases and some duct tape, but I want it to look cute. What can you suggest to help me?

Maggie Faris
St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Maggie Faris from St. Paul,

So you want to make a bong, do you? For those of you that either don’t know what a bong is or are employed by the DEA, I’ll explain what Maggie Faris from St. Paul is asking about. This “bong” that Maggie Faris from St. Paul speaks of is a water pipe that one might use to smoke an illegal substance such as marijuana or hashish. As I’m sure Maggie Faris from St. Paul already knows, by using a bong one is able to slam a bigger hit, or suck a major toke, and you know it’s smooth, baby, cooled by the water, you’ve got your finger on the carburetor hole and you’re suckin’ on that pipe until the sweet bowl is cashed… or something like that. Anyway, I’m not sure why Maggie Faris from St. Paul would be asking me about a bong, and I’m pretty sure it’s equally confusing to my parole officer, but I’ll give it a shot.

Try painting a skull on it. Whatever.

Amy

Dear Amy,

A knitting pattern gave me bad instructions and I don’t know what to do with my rage. Any suggestions?

Peter McGrath
Washington, D.C.

Dear Peter,

This sounds to me like Knitter’s Rage. Not to be confused with aggressive knitting. You should take this test:

1. Do I feel I need to “get back” at other knitters for wronging me?
2. Do I get angry with knitters who knit faster than I do?
3. Do I find myself yelling at other knitters whether they can hear me or not?
4. Do I cut off other knitters when driving?
5. While knitting, do I often think, “Hey, these heavy steel needles would look great sticking out of that guy’s skull?”

If you answered yes to three out of five questions, then you probably have Knitter’s Rage. I would recommend sedating the rage with alcohol or PCP, eating a lot of junk food, and then heading over to the gun range to blow off some steam. If there isn’t a gun range in your neighborhood, try the parking lot of a Burger King or a belltower.

Amy

Dear Amy,

As someone who would hesitantly define myself as cynical, does the fact that I now take great care in crafting novelty shapes for the tops of my handmade chicken pies (the first letter of my wife’s name, a cockerel’s head, rockets...